— Crouch down on the ground. Bring your knees together. Bring your butt as close to your ankles as your current level of flexibility will allow.

— Wrap your arms around your legs and tuck your fingers into the bend of your knees. Will your fingers go in? Test this manoeuvre out at home. If they will not, keep a small bottle of olive oil in your coat pocket.

— Rest your head on your knees. As you lower your head, imagine you are a robot and it is attached to your torso via hydraulic crane. Make the hydraulic noise (“zheeeeeet”) if you require audio cues.

— Are there any other people in the room? What are they saying? Listen carefully. They may try to pick you up and lift you above their heads.

— You need to concentrate now. Think of heavy things like rocks and lead and big containers of water. Also, a shot put. A barbell. An industrial freezer which hasn’t been defrosted for many years. A car. You may think of them in any order you choose.

— By now, you should have started to sink into the floor. Are you sinking into the floor?

— Keep thinking of heavy things. Your grandfather’s casket. All of the sand on all of the beaches on every planet in the universe. A battleship.

— You should now have only your head sticking up above the level of the floor. Take care not to look up; you will break the illusion.

— Congratulations! You’ve disappeared. I don’t know how to make you reappear. It’s a mystery. I’m sorry. I apologise.

11:27 am  •  31 January 2012  •  18 notes