February 2012
58 posts
A fossil of a primitive bass drop found in a mysterious volcano shaped like Skrillex’s head
Shout out to all the other teenagers who ever shoplifted a copy of the single of “Teenager Of The Year” by Lo-Tel from Retravision Bowral in the year 2000
7 tags
February 29th: the only day of the year when it is acceptable for women to propose to men or alternatively to just make cute little passive-aggressive references to their special powers for the entire 24 hours
They’re called “Fisherman’s Friends” because no one wants to be friends with some nasty old dude who smells like stank-ass dead fishes 24/7 but a lozenge has no choice
yeaa.. not gonna lie….. seems like a dog or cat have a real chill life. lmao welp thats my blogging for today =)
A mathematical formula to work out which bands suck and which ones rock
1 tag
Kevin Rudd rehearses his concession speech. “I congratulate Prime Minister Gillard and wish her the best of…” His jaw locks into place. “I wish her the best of lu…” Ash spews forth from his mouth. His teeth pop from their gums, pushed out of the way by enormous yellow fangs which arc grotesquely forth, stretching his lips to their limit until - at last - they...
A moonless night. A shadowy figure slips through the gloom. As he approaches the castle gate a voice booms out: “Halt and speak the password.” The shadowy figure stops and replies “I am thinking it’s a sign / That the freckles in our eyes / Are mirror images and when we kiss / They’re perfectly aligned.” “Which version,” the voice booms back at him....
2 tags
— So sophisticated he’s like a stretch LINousine — So smooth he’s like freshly-waxed LINoleum — So ubiquitous he’s like email invitations to join LINkedIn — So devastating he’s like Non-Hodgkins LINphoma
KEVIN RUDD RESIGN AS FOREIGN MINISTER. HALF-BROTHER BEVAN BLOOD STAYS ON AS FEDERAL MINISTER FOR SPOOKYNESS; TELLS MEDIA *SPOOKY VOICE* “HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO, BOYS AND GHOULS! ARE YOU READY TO HAVE YOUR SPINES TINGLE-INGLE-INGLED? ARE YOU READY FOR THE FRIGHT OF YOUR LIFE? THEN FOLLOW ME! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”
“What rhymes with JESBIAN PELATIONSHIP? Hint: it’s something I’ve been in for quite some time now. Because I am gay.” — a great way to come out to your parents if you are a woman
“I spy with my little eye something beginning with… a little foreplay. The answer is my boyfriend, mom and dad. He’s in the next room and he’s left the door open so I can watch him oiling up for some homosexual intercourse. I’m gay” — a great way to come out to your parents
yrelectricsurgeissweet:
Drowning is your body’s way of saying “I’m too wet”
Burning is your body’s way of saying “there is too much fire in this room”
1 tag
“Lord, when I needed you most, why was there only one pair of footprints in the sand?” “Yo its cuz i used these fuckin sweet-ass wings *flaps wings* to get away from u whingeing ass and go chill for a minute??? fuck do u think u are the only person in the world with problems, serisly , wake up
1 tag
The term “Friend Zone” actually stems from “Friends Zone”, an in-joke among the crew of the hit NBC sitcom that referenced how notoriously difficult it was to bed female cast members Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow
1 tag
Somebody commented on your blog post and they had eyes as big as saucers and a nose as long as a poker? Sounds like you got trolled, friend!
2 tags
PART SEVEN
All of the men in the bizarre underground club that Samantha Brett and Sam De Brito found themselves in were furiously masturbating over the sight of Bettina Arndt entering the room via a pussy-shaped hole, which made it very easy for the pair of them to walk through the crowd, climb into the tank and lock the hatch. “Thanks for climbing into my tank,” Bettina Arndt said...
2 tags
“You look beautiful tonight,” he said sadly, remembering the Gypsy curse that would see their date inevitably cut short by a custard pie to her face
3 tags
Our Retro-Future
by Gina Rinehart
The globe is sadly groaning with clones, jetpacks and sentient robots And billions now are pleading for firmware upgrades to their Personal Incubation Cots™ Their hope lies with the supercomputer located on the 700th floor of the TransGlobal Industries tower In which the humanoid drones who operate it are exterminated once an hour
Develop the lower stratosphere, embrace...
We’re changing our privacy policy. This stuff anti-matters. *internet implode* *nothing left*
A tiny baby which has no idea who Jenna Marbles is, let alone the critical facilities necessary to make fun of her on its Tumblr blog.
“That’s not how to we do business in my town,” he said, signalling to his goons. “We do it like in the standard British edition of Monopoly. Let’s equate your little, uh, ‘operation’ to Fenchurch Street Station in value. I’m willing to trade Water Works and The Angel Islington plus $200 cash for it. Do we have a deal or what?”
The earth just opened up and swallowed Sean Brown. He was walking home from the supermarket with a bag of groceries in either hand and as he stepped off the pavement and onto a patch of bare dirt to make way for a mother with a stroller his foot continued through the surface of the earth. He tried to regain his balance. His arms flailed. His other foot sought out a hold. He was unsuccessful. He...
I beg your pardon, officer. I had no intention of shooting all these other kids. I was merely quoting “Pumped Up Kicks” by Foster The People.
The two children kiss at the end of Jumanji. They’re only 12 years old, but since they’ve travelled through time together and escaped danger and also lived through a bunch of junk like Alan Parrish growing up to become Robin Williams, I think it should be OK for them to do whatever they like together, like fool around, get a little freaky, whatever they like. Do some role-playing. It...
DATELINE: February 14, 2012. An advanced spambot is created. By a Russian or something. They call it “The St. Valentine’s Bot”. It sends out a million messages a second to lonely singles around the world. “I’m thinking about you today. I care about you. I wish I was there with you. All I want is to hold you and tell you everything will be alright.”...
why-is-bon-iver:
HIS MUSIC IS FULL OF INTERESTING TEXTURES WHICH ARE VALUABLE FROM A MUSIC JOURNALISM P.O.V. (POINT OF VIEW). “BON IVER BY BON IVER IS, IN MANY WAYS, AKIN TO A CINDERBLOCK COATED LIGHTLY IN SWEET CREAM CHEESE AND GARNISHED WITH SPICY ARUGULA”. YOU GET IT.
3 tags
3 tags
— A TUMBLR DEDICATED TO POSTING SCREENCAPS OF TWEETS BY PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW WHO BON IVER IS
— A WIKIPEDIA EDITOR WHO WOULD LIKE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION OF WHAT BON IVER IS
— A SMALL COMMUNITY OF 1960S FOLK MUSIC ENTHUSIASTS WHO HAVE NO IDEA HOW MODERN MUSIC GOT ITSELF INTO SUCH A STATE
— A TIME-TRAVELLING SCIENTIST FROM THE YEAR 3030 WHO IS DEMANDING TO BE TOLD...
A bomb-ass dog wearing a “Disregard Females Acquire Currency” t-shirt
2 tags
The velociraptor uses its razor-sharp foot claw to scalp Sam Neill and remove his face. It picks up the face and hair in its scaly dinosaur hands and drapes it over its own head. The velociraptor removes Sam Neill’s clothes and drags his naked corpse behind the industrial freezer. It dresses itself in his garments, walks outside and climbs into the waiting Jeep. “Mr Hammond, after...
Anonymous asked: Can you actually play noughts and crosses on your shirt? Yeah, it's actually Velcro (pulls off a cross). I got this a few years ago from a store in Glebe.
A five-year-old who is just straight up a pussy-ass little bitch who needs to sit the fuck down.
“NO, NO, NO!” Lou Bega shrieked. He punched a trumpeter in the throat. He grabbed hold of the guy who was playing congas and forced his head through the skin of the tallest drum. He tore off his clothes and tossed them into the waste paper basket and set them on fire. He shot the fire with a Magnum .357 revolver. He carved swastikas in his legs with the ceremonial sword he kept in the...
A gritty crime drama based on 50 Cent’s Wikipedia page, featuring Steve Buscemi as Footnote #14: Reid, Shaheem (February 12, 2003). 50 Cent: Money to Burn. MTV. Accessed May 22, 2007.
yrelectricsurgeissweet:
They ought to start putting instagram filters on google earth. Give the ol’ earth a warm vintage feel.
bedwettinbadboys:
Andy and his wife, Flo, live out the epitome of functional dysfunction. From the pub to the bedroom, Andy’s misadventures paint an indelible portrait of an extremely British battle of the sexes. Join Andy and Flo as they bicker their way through life. Their banter can be hostile, caring, sarcastic and adorable: the perfect ingredients for a lasting marriage.