sorry for calling your house “the worst shop ever. all of this stuff is junk crap and theres no where to pay. fuck this i’m out”

don’t sleep with someone who has no books. every book is good. fascist books? still good. literary classic with zombies? good

sorry i misheard drake’s name three years ago and have called him “jake” ever since

whoa, check out tony hawk’s sick 180°! 180°C for three hours, that is. a pot roast, that is. tony’s a house husband now, homie.

[morgan freeman voice] somebody once told me… the world was gonna roll me

eyy who’s got two thumbs and zero self awareness? maybe that guy over there. hard to tell from a distance

its cool when people say “that’s my name, don’t wear it out”. guess what mother fucker. im gonna grind it down to a tiny scrap of empty pith

well well well. if it isn’t my old friend, the dawning realization that i fucked up real bad

a cool trick would be if you froze milk for 10 years then thawed it & gave it to someone & pointed out the expiry like “see? fresh. you’re in the past dude. how’d you do that.”

there ain’t no party like an ain’t no party cos an ain’t no party ain’t no party