[takes a deep drag on a cigarette] explain to me how gandolf from lotr didn’t embody all the qualities of a jedi knight

to get a sense of how big the universe is, imagine a window. now imagine a guy leaning in the window and explaining that it’s super big, and huge

coolest thing about the queen’s xmas message is the bit at the end where she goes “hehehehehehe wipeout” and grabs her longboard

[inspects huge peanut m&m through jewelers loupe]: perfect clarity. perfect cut

police seized drugs with a street value of $2 million. these drugs are basically mayfair with like 3 hotels. do not land your thimble on em

€20 TO FREEDOM

From Silver Days Radio Episode 1: Obama Can’t Stop The Signal! Netflix Secures Deal To Create New Shows For 40 People Each

The narrowest show audience was “20 To Freedom”. Its target demographic was Pieter and Jan, two Dutch friends living in Madison, WI, whose fundage was majorly low following a massively unsuccessful jobseeking effort post-relocating to the US of A in 2013. Aside from Holland’s generous welfare system the things they missed most were getting high and listening to ska-punk, both of which they’d been deprived of since settling in Madison since Pieter had dropped his iPod in a cup of broth and neither of them could buy weed from local dealers who were spooked every time by their weird accents and wonderful enunciation and took them for FBI men. They’d arrived chasing the green dollar and heard there was a fortune to be made by those who could work not hard, but smart, and more importantly organic; as the owner of Rotterdam’s largest window box garden, Jan felt he had the green credentials to match Pieter’s business degree, so they’d landed with not much more than a deflated football and 1.5GB of Sublime mp3s. Soon, they found that America was perhaps not the land of opportunity it had been at other times in history and off-the-books employment for a pair of irritating Euros on tourist Visas was hard to come by. But they’d paid five years’ worth of rent upfront on a sublet in central Madison, Netflix included, so what else were they gonna do? Nothing, that’s what. They spent their days offering Free Hugs in Allen Centennial Gardens until a local vexatious litigant sued them for $5,000,000 for “Saying their words way too clearly and just being a pair of fricking weirdos”. The case was thrown out of court within five minutes of the judge taking his seat, but Pieter and Jan were so spooked they stayed away from the Gardens from then on. With no work, no hugs, no weed and no fusion of syncopated guitar and pop punk melody they turned to Netflix, who catered for them with exquisite care. Here was their drugs. Here was their ska-punk. Here was their excellent value for both, capably hosted by Anthony Bourdain, who spent the duration of each episode shuffling around the proud shanties of the European Union brandishing a grubby twenty euro bill at men in singlets in a work of slum tourism only slightly more offensive than his other shows. Pieter and Jan were in love. “Look at the dog!”, they whooped, “Look at the canal! Look at the poor boy! He has marijuana!” They loved Netflix for loving them. They rated it five stars.

see this flag? its bob marly. legedary reggae singer & otp with che guevara. i hung there flags next to each so they could kiss

Here’s a podcast with all of the least bad bits of the show I produced and co-wrote, featuring A-list celebrity guests, whatever the opposite of “A-list celebrity guests” is, bloopers, pratfalls, slapstick and some self-indulgent cast commentary to justify the fact that we repackaged a bunch of old content

>tfw u sitting in ur castle playing a scary leitmotif on ur bone harpsichord & a bluebird flutters through a window beginning ur eventual redemption story arc

kicked out of the jewelry store for prospectin’ it, again